Hey Vanessa,

I just wanted to say I’m sorry, plain and simple. Please take this letter as nothing more than a genuine expression of apology and respect. I also need to acknowledge what I should have a long time ago. I want to take responsibility and apologize for putting you through all that bullshit.

I’m so sorry for hurting you. For upsetting you. For being such a shitty person to you. I was so stupid and wrong. I have no excuse for becoming such a horrible person. I was such a fool (or tool-I’ll accept both). I handled shit badly, you didn’t deserve that. I’m so sorry.

You were a great person ( I will flip back and forth on tenses-not Freudian slips, just stream of consciousness or editing before I lose the stones to send it to you- typo slips) to me. You’re super cool, fun, funny, open minded, smart. You were extremely welcoming and warm and just a genuine all around nice, pleasant person to be around. You didn’t deserve to be disrespected. I fell short. I didn’t have a clue of the concept of detracting from one’s life, which I did to you, versus contributing. I certainly didn’t know the difference between being a smart ass and being an asshole.

You trusted me, you were vulnerable with me, you let me into your life and I betrayed all of it because I was immature, selfish, insecure, I thought I knew more about shit and life than I really did and (let’s be honest here) out of my league with you-especially emotionally. And, yeah…I fuckin turned 30 in front of you, so..that alone is an indictment on my maturity level. You were a mature adult, I wasn’t. I definitely was not emotionally mature enough to value and appreciate what should have been valued and appreciated.

I fucked up, I’m a fuckin idiot. I am truly sorry for all the ways I let you down.

The last time we spoke you told me you still hated me. That gutted me. Not just because of the word, but because you had every right to feel that way and I knew I’d earned it. To this day, I’m truly sorry and I still can’t believe I made such a beautiful person have to feel and know hate..because of me. It just wasn’t cool the idea that the last words between us were what they were…again, because of me.

And I get there’s a catalog of cliches this could fall under, and I get its weird after all these years, but please know: 

I’m not writing this to you to imply anything or seek anything remotely romantic nor is this meant to rehash, re-create, relive, re-litigate, rekindle anything, I’m not looking for some kind of closure or have any expectation(s) from you.  I’m not dying (with all due respect to Existentialism), or in any program, any cult that requires me to this, I didn’t have some “moment of clarity”, I’m not doing some recon on my life, “going thru something” (well, everybody’s going thru something…but you get my drift) and this is not any attempt at trying to “woo” you back. This letter is just a basic act of common human decency from one person to another. Something you deserve, and has been long over due from me to you.

I just need to take accountability for my behavior and I wasn’t really feeling silence as the last thing I left behind. I hurt you.I caused you pain. I fucked up big time with you in every way and I’m so sorry. That is why I am reaching out, because I owe you an apology and some ownership of the crap I put you through. I was so wrong. You were 100% in the right.

I mistreated you, and I’m sorry. To this day,  I’m still ashamed,  I’m still embarrassed. I’m still disgusted with myself, by my behavior, my words. I was such a disrespectful, rude, judgmental prick to you. I behaved like such a petulant child.  A spoiled brat. Yet you, even while working (you’d be on like, what? your 11th hour?), on the other hand were always so dignified and cool (to me no less!) while putting up with my bullshit. You had the patience of a saint. I’m sorry that I was not capable of seeing through your eyes,and taking into account your perspective of how frustrating I was. I feel so foolish for being such an inconsiderate jerk.

I don’t know who you are today, and I do believe you understand what I mean by that. I really hope this doesn’t cause any disruption in your life. I’ve always wanted to apologize and say all this (and so much more positive stuff) in person. But…I was shook and convinced myself for the longest time that by writing, my words alone would just ring hollow with you. I mean I felt if I was man-child enough to talk shit and act like shit to your face in public, I outta man up and apologize to your face in public. I also convinced myself that even tho I didn’t/don’t know how to do that… we’ll bump into each other again and I could tell you all this then. But yeah… the real truth is I was scared. 

I dunno, maybe it doesn’t matter anymore and for all I know this could mean fuck all to you anyways…but either way, it comes with sincerity.

And I guess I’ve crashed on this rocks’ couch long enough to make the call (because I’m old enough to understand what real regret feels like) and say, that realizing how badly I fucked things up with you, Vanessa, is one of the deepest regrets I carry. 

You were one of the coolest people I ever met. You were real…old school real (you didn’t need to say a word, you could just tell from your work ethic and how you carried yourself-you were dope), I did not appreciate nor value how rare such a cool person you were/are (ex: you possess common sense) and I’m sincerely sorry I fucked all that up, cause I couldn’t see it and lost it, that’s forever on me. 

And hey, would you relay to Sharlene that I’m sorry to her as well. She was super nice to me. She was cool.

Anyway, that’s all I really wanted to say. I hope you’re healthy and happy and life has been good to you. You always deserved good things.

I’m really sorry Vanessa.

Stay cool,
Carl